Some days it all goes to plan, and today was one of them. It was a damn good ride this morning and at Junior's suggestion we tackled Point View Drive, from the steep end. All seventeen percent glory of it.
Coming into the climb, we did mention to The Crocodile that it was quite steep and hit high teens in gradient. He was dismissive as we approached, mocking me while it was seven percent, unable to see what was around the corner. However, he soon realised that we were telling the truth. This, once again, gave him opportunity to dismember the group, making the steep sections look all too easy. The rest of us hurting our way to the top.
Recently my Dearly Beloved caught me looking at my favourite blog, Chicks and Bikes. She mocked me and implied that I should grow up. All that it made me do is to make a mental note to make better use of the tabbing system in the browser. However it did spur me into action to find out whether Chicks and Bikes was the sole purveyor of this sort of thinking mans visual distraction. To that end I have found the following like minded sites:-
That's just got a whole lot of questions attached, like- Do they come up on your credit card statement as Jake's Hubcaps? What happens if your wife doesn't like the merkin you get her for Christmas? Do they fall off in the spa? Will my dog be curious?
Enough, as I know that Jorge or Mikeal will be able to answer my every question shortly.
This is a typical conversation between Jorge the Annoying and myself about finding the right saddle.
From: Jorge To: Me Sent: Tuesday, 8 September, 2009 12:46:53 PM Subject: Where the stink meets the road
I'm continuing on my search for the perfect saddle. Now I'm thinking I want to try SSM's new Regale and maybe Selle Italia's Turbo. I had a Turbo long ago, but I don't remember it. I think that means it worked for me. The new Regale has much smaller rivets that are black, so it doesn't look like a Brooks wannabe. Plus the Regale looks like it could coddle my peaches they way I like. The Fizik Antares looks like it could be an option, but I think the Fizik folks were in the middle of a big methamphetamine binge when they came up with their pricing. Today's a holiday in the US... Labor Day it is. Since I had the day off from school, I've done absolutely nothing but sleep, eat, surf porn, and eat. I have wiped my butt twice.
-----Original Message----- From:Me Sent: Mon 9/7/2009 22:28 To: Jorge Subject: Re: Where the stink meets the road
To me there is only one saddle. Selle Italia SLR, others have come close, but that's been me for the last 7 or 8 years. I've stripped and recovered a couple as well. Tristan has a brown suede one of mine, which he loves. I do like the Regale, but my ass and SLRs are a match made in heaven.
Holiday, smoldiday. I knocked out 75kms this morning, mainly in the dark, left home at 4.30 and was in fog and cold for most of the ride. I'm getting frisky.
-----Original Message----- From:Jorge To: Me Sent: Tuesday, 8 September, 2009 7:05:37 PM Subject: RE: Where the stink meets the road
The SLR is an ass hatchet. It's no wonder you like it.
-----Original Message----- From: Me Sent: Tuesday, September 08, 2009 1:16 AM To: Jorge Subject: Re: Where the stink meets the road
I beg to differ, that title goes to the Turbo, riding one of those was like having Frankenstein's monster as a proctologist.
-----Original Message----- From: Jorge To: Me Sent: Wednesday, 9 September, 2009 3:04:47 AM Subject: RE: Where the stink meets the road
And that is one of seven reasons why New Zealand has never been a superpower nor has ever pushed the nuclear clock to within three minutes of nuclear midnight. Such plebians. The two weeks I spent trying an SLR, I was forced to always ride with anesthesiologist such was the pain caused to my softer bits. Weeks after I gave up, six cyclists were tragically killed when they tried to ride beyond the four mile limit imposed by the SLR.
And if your ignorance weren't already as plain as Mikeal's dried spooge on his own forehead, everyone knows, and experts agree, that Doc Frankenstein's monster had unusually dainty, soft fingers.
-----Original Message----- From: Me Sent: Tue 9/8/2009 14:44 To: Jorge Subject: Re: Where the stink meets the road
Your reasonings are why there's such a thing as the Big Mac. It's all down to the fact that ignoring a bit of puritan pain is good for the soul and one's moral fibre. Being unable to cope with the odd hair shirt that is part of daily life leads to flabby society, and deeper still, flabby saddles. Next time you see an ass, that should have it's own moon, riding a bike, take careful note of the saddle. I will wager my firstborn's right to pick his nose, that the saddle you see it not an SLR, or even a Rolls. It will be a soft, spongey buttock spreader.
The Monster may well have had soft and dainty fingers, but his dexterity was akin to Stephen Hawkings. Neither of whom would you want wearing latex gloves and probing your personage.
And there ended the dialogue. I'd wager good money that Jorge is now riding something with a sheepskin cover.
Jorge's most recent comment about my use of vice grips for purposes of self-pleasure, while completely untrue, has got me thinking. As a complete aside, I do have on very good authority that Jorge has a strangely pleasurable use (in his opinion) for sash-clamps and kitty litter. Never, ever let this man in your home workshop, or for that matter near your BBQ.
Where my trail of thought has gone, inspired by Jorge's fictions, is towards the seven cardinal sins. I thought about how they apply to me, and how I can share them, hopefully in the cause of education and elucidation.
No, I'm not going to give you an unbridled rifle through my history, the nasty stories of mooing girls, the sordid tales of amoral women, or my time as the cell mate of The Beast. Okay, all that was imagined, but a worthwhile imagining it is. No, I'm merely going to relate how they apply to me in a cycling context.
Lust Rarely do I do it now, but riding through summer pedestrian traffic always inspires lust in me. That sort of head snapping lust that only summer dresses and warm temperatures can inspire.
Greed I'm greedy for more quality miles that I can hold dear. The ride with Junior up to Woodcocks, avoiding nasty weather, having a tailwind for miles and getting home smug, that sort of thing I am greedy for. I can slog miles in darkness and precipitation to be fit enough to go and enjoy a ride like that, then not be happy with just that ride and want more.
Envy Any man who gets close to Milla, oops in a cycling context, any man who lives near any of those wonderful metal roads in Rodney District. If it was me, I'd have a dedicated bike to rip around on those roads on wet days, coming home covered in grit and as happy as Milla's dearest.
Wrath Contrary to what some of you may believe I am rarely afflicted with wrath. I may be opinionated, but rarely experience wrath. I do feel wrath deeply with broken glass and littering, I felt the glimmerings of wrath on Saturday seeing carelessly discarded race food wrappers on the course of the K2, that's just simply unacceptable. I also felt a twinge of wrath towards so many arrogant or ignorant riders at the K2 who failed to acknowledge or thank the marshalls. Volunteers, the marshalls, without them the day wouldn't happen and a lot of them spent the day in a fluoro vest with a flag in biting wind to make the day safe for us, the riders. In that case, two words "Thank You" from the riders goes a helluva a long way, but as I noticed in the various bunches I was in, I was one of the few who offered anything. That created the stirrings of wrath in me.
Gluttony One only needs to look at my glossy pelt, seal like figure and lycra threatening form to realise that Gluttony is a true cross for me to bear. Or should I say Beer? Okay, I'll have another, and some cheese and salami, chorizo, wine, ravioli, yorkshire pudding, prawns, doner kebabs, fries, naan, caramel slice, Hello Rosie, pain au raisin, brioche, beef wellington, cannoli, vanilla glazed donuts, goobers, larb gai, lenzil zupper, refried beans, deep fried bacon wrapped cheese stuffed jalapenos, indian pale ales and then there's time for dinner.Gluttony is my ever present friend.
Pride In my case, it's pride in working out a training route that may break me, or someone else, and then the satisfaction of seeing to made so. There's nothing quite like seeing someone broken and miserable, not because of bunch pace or a hammerfest, but purely by the roads and route. That inspires an unholy pride in me. Mikeal's Coatsville Conniption springs to mind
Sloth My Spousal Barnacle could write an epic to rival War and Peace on my sloth, but rather than let her get the upper hand, I'll confine it to the phrase that inspires fear in me "Alarm Clock". A warm bed, a gentle awakening and an unhurried rise should be mandatory in my world.
So, there are my seven sins, apart from those I'm a blemish free soul.
Recently I was asked if Jorge the Fibber, who is a follower of mine, was my alter-ego. I was mortified, not only did some of his impure suggestions offend, his picture looks like a bad cross between The Worm fitting a tight tyre and Boy George.
This prompted me to set off on a trail of discovery. What I did discover is that Jorge is from the USA. Not just any part of Amerika, but from the place of Dualies, Gun Racks and Stetsons, in other words, Texas. He is the proud waver of Hook'em Horns and has a picture of Bevo tattooed on his body.
All okay so far, except I understand that he has recently acquired a tenure with the Department of Defence, he and his wife have taken out a part share in a retired ICBM complex and he is closely related to Vernon Howell.
On to brighter matters. The new National Cycleway announcements are indeed exciting, and are neatly summarised with maps and overviews here:-
I do commend the Government for this initiative and the vision that is behind it, but I think there is currently a great deal of misunderstanding in the wider cycling community as to the form that these cycle paths will take. From reading the summary of the Quick Start Tracks all of the tracks will be metal and unsuitable for road bike use.
The aim appears to be to establish a network of trails similar to the Central Otago Rail Trail and the Christchurch to Little River Rail Trail. These trails are important and will provide new exercise and recreational opportunities, but may not provide a feasible, safe alternative to existing roads that are too dangerous to currently ride. A good example is the proposed track from Paeroa to Waihi. Currently SH2, running through the Karangahake Gorge, is far too narrow and busy to consider riding comfortably, but it is the only road that runs across the bottom of the Coromandel Peninsula. A good sealed track should be mandatory here, so as to allow safe passage through the Karangahake Gorge.
Additionally, at the stage of writing, no formal research has been published by the Ministry of Tourism. Currently they are undertaking research, but how, with whom and where they are conducting this research is not obvious.
To assist with getting the tracks you would like, become active with suggestions to the relevant parties.
