With Spring arriving yesterday in an entirely appropriate manner, I could see no reason not to ride and that I did. Even though it is spring I still haven't had a ride since Autumn, except of the garage variety, that have been sans longs or knee warmers. Unfortunately even yesterday was still not going to buck that trend, but it was a beautiful day.
Somehow, as I headed out, a slightly odd idea formed in my mind. That idea was to go and tackle Mountain Road. For those of you unfamiliar with Mountain Road, just think greater than 11% average, some steep sections, some even steeper sections and no relief. It's a narrow winding wall.
It is sufficiently tough that it requires a bit of forethought and some testicular fortitude. Where the trap of it comes is that the first kilometre isn't too bad, gets up to about 10% and lulls you into a false sense of confidence. Then it steepens and gets narrow and windy. Soon it is just a bush-lined hell. It's relentless, and if you've been foolish enough to have gone too deep early, there's a terrible price to pay further up.
I decided I would ride it, and would take it as easy as I could, being unsure of form, and not having really done any climbing training recently. What transpired was some relative joy. The climb was not as painful as I remember, I didn't resort to my usual postman's weave and I judged the top correctly.
I emerged around the top corner relieved and happy, I still couldn't answer the question from the chap working on his verge, without fear of inhaling him. Actually I was surprised he even asked me, as I'd wager my head looked like a giant beetroot with dribble, sweat and snot, but then it is Mountain Road.
I'm aiming to go back in a fortnight, it was that good!
Unfriend. Chosen by the New American Oxford Dictionary as the word of the year. Apparently it has lex-appeal. I am completely underwhelmed by this choice. There are numerous words skulking around in the modern vocabulary that are far better, far less PC and far more vibrant than that anodyne choice.
To that end, here's the first pass at my words of the year. I'm being tentative about the final result as the year still has a few weeks to run and I know that at some time in that period a tantalising new piece of verbage will present itself and will need to be shared.
Yes, some of them you are familiar with, some have been pinched from other sources and some are just plain handy.
Without further ado, here be the list:-
Sucktastic (adj) An experience that was less than pleasurable and more akin to penance. "Riding Mountain Road with only a twenty one on the back was sucktastic."
Clusterfuck (adj) A procedure or operation that has gone more than a little awry. Can also be applied to persons on subnormal ability or intelligence. "The Mechanics Bay World Champs bunch is just a clusterfuck"
Self-attack (verb) Do one's own person a mischief, note this is completely different to onanism. "I engaged in self attack by answering the phone while operating the heat gun"
Footle (verb) Pinched from Charlie and The Great Glass Elevator, means to just buggerise about, something that I excel at. "I spent the day footling about the house"
Crocodile (noun) Weapon of bunch destruction, particular when the road slopes up, and up, and steepens.
Spousal Barnacle (noun) Self explanatory, needn't say anymore, except my Grudge Bearer is relatively tolerant of this term of endearment.
Mouth Breather (noun) Unsophisticated individual, usually with sloping brow, dirty knuckles and a love of draft beer. "The drain layer was a real mouth breather"
Tandemonium (noun) The two wheeled terror with four arms, four legs, two heads, two minds, a schism and one hundred and sixty kilogrammes of brawn on board. It will end in tears, arguments, and some strange dog-humping movements.
That's my initial list, any further suggestions are welcome, but rest assured anything too PC, cheap or unoriginal will earn some mockery and maybe a mention in the dispatches.
Speaking of which, I see that Sid got a special mention in the thank you letter from the Coromandel Rozzers after K2. Well done Sid, good to see that the Coromandel Constabulary have an eye out for you. To this end Junior and I are currently drawing up a petition, that will be circulated in the near future, suggesting that Sid has his own escort at K2 next year.
On Sunday, Junior and I set out for a very wet ride through the Waitaks. Apart from the spectacle I am about to mention, the murky conditions, the pain of Mountain Road and the general sense of smugness that comes from riding in foul weather, there was little of note. The spectacle we saw was an ostentation of peafowl. We had to slow and dodge a bevy that wandered across our path.
Later, much later, I was musing to myself about the other strange things I have witnessed from the saddle of my bike.
The north-western bike path is always good through the summer months to see tired individuals engaging in the walk of shame. Their legs jelly-like and their stride not so confident, best out on the town clothes and shoes really not up to the task of a 15 to 20 kilometre stroll home. One morning this year, a glorious morning, warm and just on sunrise we passed a chap propped up against the lamp post by the Patiki Road raceway. He was facing east, fast asleep and shortly he was due to get the full glare of a summer sun. I'd wager that his mouth would have felt like someone had poured silica gel in it by the time he woke. At least he would have woken with a view.
There is, etched indelibly in my memory, a facial expression from The Worm that I'd rather forget. Junior also had the misfortune to bear witness to this face. It appeared as The Worm tussled with getting a tyre back on a rim after a tube change. I don't want to describe it too vividly, but I will say that it looked like a mix between an eager school boy, a rutting dog and Rob Muldoon. Thankfully once he started pumping the tyre up it went away.
I've seen a huge variety of animals as part of my two wheeled rubber time, both domestic and wild. Have seen some rare native fauna, some introduced fauna that left me enraged and wanting a firearm ( Mustelidae family take a bow), have had a few near misses and frights with both large and small quadrapeds, but the single strangest sight came in the depths of a winter dawn.
Several years ago Warren King and I were riding in the Dairy Flat and Coatsville area, we had left in the pre-dawn dark and had just ridden past the dawn. We dropped down into the back of Coatsville through Sunnyside Road, which at that time of day is anything but sunny. Down the bottom is a narrow little glen with two one way bridges in quick succession. It's a rural area. Between the bridges we passed a couple out walking, each of them carrying on their arm a large Sulfur Crested Cockatoo. Suffice to say both of us were speechless. No one believed our story. As luck would have it about a year later, quite a bit later in the morning a group of us were out riding in the area and passed the same couple with their cockatoos. That served to dispel a few rumours as to Warren's sanity.
Unfortunately, while I have seen plenty of wildlife and a banjo playing chap at Matawai I am yet to see any female public nudity as part of my riding. If I post my riding plans, is there anyone who would care to assist?
